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GWAR report
Posted by #10 Nick Hamlin at 03-05-2002 1:36 PM
Well, well, well.
Last night was the (now apparently semi-annual) GWAR show at the 9:30 club. I will spoon-feed you the details:
Jon (a guy i met in the yacht club) and I departed from Ft. Meade to pick up Amy in Glen Burn(out)ie. We swiched cars, and I took the helm of the battle-racing machine they call "Hyundai-San". We listened to Opeth's "Blackwater Park", an excellent album.
We arived at the 9:30 club at 6:30, precisely three hours before it existed. While we sat in the car waiting for the club to happen, Amy took over as DJ. Her ears are burning as I type this. I was treated to the sonic enema that some people call "The Misfits". For the uninitiated, The Misfits is a seminal punk-horror movie parody tribute garage band. A veritable revolving door of musicians, The Misfits was the spawning ground for Glen Danzig, Jimi Hendrix, Eddie Van Halen, and Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, to name a few. The words "Ratt Fink" are forever ingrained in my frontal lobe, thanks to this education in music that Amy so cheerfully doled out to me.
At 9:30, we materialized in the club, where apparently a show had been taking place since 7:30. Caleb magically appeared, and joined the group. The first band was Goatwhore. They weren't nearly as awful as the name implies. American death metal is not for everyone. But if you like Deicide and Cannibal Corpse, then this is a band that you will enjoy at least marginally. Talented musicians, tragically limited by the generally stagnant American death metal genre.
After Goatwhore, there was a brief break. I took every opportunity to sing the lyrics to "Ratt Fink". Amy loved it. Don't listen to her if she tells you otherwise.
Next came God Forbid. Before the show, we met Byron(vocals) in the lobby. He signed our ticket stubs and we talked a little bit. very nice guy, and an immensely talented band. This is death metal that I can get into. Overly technical arrangement, not unlike Morbid Angel, and really nice guitar melodies reminiscent of Iron Maiden. Add an overly aggressive singer and a virtuoso drummer. Awesome band, definitely worth seeing. Go see them. Buy their album. Metalheads only, please.
God Forbid was followed by the appearance of several(hundred) frat boys and sorrority girls, who all met before the show to draw up a master plan in order to irritate me. The mission was a crushing success, as the rest of my show was obscured somewhat by people waving their hands in the air, like they "just don't care", or were "giving props". My eye is still twitching.
GWAR hit the stage finally. Absent from "Blood Drive 2002" were Sleazy P. Martini, Slymenstra Hymen, the Sexecutioner, and oddly enough, the Maggot. Where the FUCK was the Maggot? Perhaps GWAR needed to cut some spending. Whatever.
Oderus Urungus cut off some random guy's head right off the bat. Cue the spraying blood. Song, song, stop. Bring out Mike Tyson! Mike tyson beat the crap out of some slaves, then went toe-to-toe with Oderus. Oderus cut off Iron Mike's hands, and then lopped off his ribcage with an overhead swipe, effectively disembowling my favorite rapist.
I understand now that the use of our Military force in the Middle East is unneccessary. GWAR proved that they can take care of Usama Ben Laden without anyone else's help. Usama was carried out like a pig on a spit. He was then hung up from a chain, off a gallows pole. Oderus ate his brain. Then, the slaves disembowled Usama. Quality stuff.
George W. Bush came out to congratulate Oderus on taking care of Al-Quaeda. Oderus cut off his head, bam! Then, they strapped him to the wheel, and disembowled the President of the United States. Wow!
Oderus then brought out some broad they called "Bloody Bloody Mary". He told us how she gave him syphilis in a bowling alley. That's not real nice, so I can understand why he strapped her to the wheel, pulled off her ribcage, and dismembered her. Then, he felt sorry, so Oderus and Mary did something that is usually reserved for Mommies and Daddies who love each other very much. It involves Oderus' face and an oversized, foaming, green vagina.(Incedentally, I was informed by Amy that she did, in fact, recieve her new vagina.)
The Pope came out after all this to complain, but all he could do was cough and wheeze. Oderus thought that he said that he wanted to become Gor-Gor food. So out stormed Gor-Gor, 9 feet of Tyrannosaurus Rex. He totally ate the Pope, and it was rad. Then Oderus did the old head-in-dinosaur's-mouth trick. What a pair, Gor-Gor and Oderus. It backfired the second time, and Gor-Gor bit down hard. They killed Gor-Gor for that one.
The slaves brought out this cannon. It shot both red AND green. How cool is that, huh? Oderus went into the crowd to sing a song. He had to keep telling stupid fuckers not to touch him.
After that, a couple more songs, no more killings. End of show, see you next year.
We gave Caleb a lift home to Damascus from DC. On the way home, I raced both a Toyota Supra and a Ford Mustang(Escort GT model.) on 270. I beat them both. I can attribute this to two factors.
1.) The Hyundai-bot had 4 people in it. That adds extra horsepower.
2.) The other racer's souls did not burn as mine did.
Dropped off Caleb, listened to another one of Amy's Berklee-grad bands. This one was called AFI, which stands for "Agnostic Front International". They sung such salty favorites as "Arr, Where's my parrot?" and "Arr, Where's my eye-patch?" I think they were pirates. You can ask Amy.
After dropping Amy off, Jon and I sanitized our ears with Dahler Mehndi. I went to bed at 3:00 am. That's why this news post is so fucking late. I have to go back to work now. Next time GWAR comes to town, I expect to see more of you there.
R-A-T-T-F-I-N-K! Ratt Fink!
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GWAR indeed
Post #6256 by #43 Will Miller at 03-05-2002 1:54 PM
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Nice newz Nick - you did a good job making me wish I'd gone last night. I'm down with some more representation next time they come around...
much GWAR to all, and to all a good night.
Post #6257 by #1 Cary C at 03-05-2002 2:08 PM
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Well... first of all nick, for having to endure both the hyundai and punk i am truly sorry for you. As far as GWAR goes, sounds like a blast sorry i missed it. As for God Forbid, ive seen them once before and i dont know what you are talking about. They were ASS TERRIBLE. Maybe the singer was nice, but thats no reason to justify the band, or even sway the fact that they sound like shit. I cant remember where i saw them, but it was either at Rammstein/System, or at Rage. Either way, i know they sucked ass. Much ass. Very much ass. As for GWAR, like i said sorry i missed it, but im poor, and ive already seen them before, and if youve seen GWAR once... youve seen them every time they come.
RE: GWAR report
Post #6259 by #1238 Amy Benton at 03-05-2002 10:38 PM
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yes i second the wonderfullness of the show, and I am no longer a GWAR virgin. But Nick, you forgot the third reason the Hyundai won - because the NASCAR stickers on the back make it extra fast. And I think that youre just jealous because you can't write fantastic lyrics like the Misfits do :)
p.s. Nick I hate you.
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